Today my brother got up and gave me a hug. He left. I sat there and watched him walk out. It sucks being me. I hate when ppl walk out. Happens so many times. I guess it really doesnt hurt that much anymore. I am so use to it. I mean for along time I would lay in bed and cry. the pain was sooo... horrable. It hurt. But now when I cry, it doesnt hurt that bad.
Everyone asks my why I hate my dad. I never give an honest answer. I dont hate him for what he did. I forgave him for that. I hate him becuaz after that, everything changed. I was no longer a daddys little girl. Every girl wants to be daddys little girl. Then every summer when I went up there. things where never planned out. He was always so busy. I was always stuck cleaning his house. running arans. I mean why was i even going there. Then he had 2 wonderful kids. Jack and Gracie. That was the only reason I went there. Jeff started pushing church on me. Saying God would save everything.
He is the reason I dont like church. I refuse to go. When ppl talk about it. I get soo mad. I hate it. I wanted a family that would last. That was wat adoption was about. Instead I came from a druggy family, straight to a perverted, divorced, and remarried family. My life is messed up. The only good thing is meeting Jeremy.
I guess that is how my life was supose to be tho. Messed up. Confused. Alot of heart break. Its no fun. Mom says I try to hide stuff. Maybe I hide my real feelings, cauz I am afraid of letting everyone know the real me. Maybe nobody wouldl ike the real me. I am shy, but the only reason I am shy is becauz I want to find out wat everyone else is like. Also cauz I grew up hiding everything. Trying to make ppl love me. giving them everything they want, hoping that they will love me for me but knowing that is never gonna happen.
Everyone tries to figure me out. I am not something you can just figure out. I am a big puzzle with thousands of peices. It takes time to break me. I try to be strong. I break down, but I try not to let anyone see how weak I really am. If I did that. I would be gone.
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